Good Girls, Bad Girls, and Everything in Between

"It's only the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. But me ... I just want to live the kind of life I'm going to remember, whether or not I write it down (Tallulah Brockman Bankhead)."
I'd have to second that emotion because I think I fall in the middle on that one. That vast, proverbial "gray area." I can still be sadistic even if I do occasionally feel the need to excavate my emotional navel lint. But I still can't help wondering if I'd be able to enjoy the former more if I spent a little less time on the latter. If I could just find the off switch for my brain. I'm doing a hardcore corporal shoot tomorrow and I definitely plan on earning my keep. I need to get out all this pent up ... whatever I've been going through lately. I don't really have an appropriate word for it.
I should document that I had some help in that department the other night at Suspension, and I owe my new friends Nate* and Birdie* (I'm calling her that 'cause she kinda reminded me of a hummingbird ... I'll elaborate on that later) a big thank you for that.
Nate and I met about a week ago at a workshop Scarlette taught for TES. (It was awesome, and I apologize to her if I at any point, in any way utilized it as my personal "Domme therapy." But either way, Maitresse Scarlette Stangata rocks pretty hardcore. Period, end of discussion.)
The next day, he fetlife "stalked" me and we exchanged numbers, started talking, and he wound up inviting me to meet up, grab dinner, and check out some fetish stores for a bit before the event. None of the stores we'd wanted to check out were open, but there was a cute little gay bookstore on the way, and it was immensely fun for me to waltz through the door and watch him squirm as I dragged him along behind me, informing me that, "If I get hit on, I'm gonna be really upset."
Anyway, true to form, I was shiny and bubbly and "on." It was nice to be around new people and have that brought out in me. While it has its downfalls, I actually kinda like how easily and quickly that trait of mine helps me forge connections with people when I so choose. And since I was in that mindset, his friend Birdie and I were able to hit it off pretty quickly, too. Birdie's a switch who's just starting to test out her Domme side, and she had brought a toybag so she could practice on Nate. When I suggested, "Let's double team him," she eagerly agreed.
I've played at a public event exactly once (not counting foot worship scenes). Brooke wasn't really into it (something about not wanting anyone else to steal her techniques ... as her "Mini Me," I was somewhat exempt from that rule), and I pretty much was just too self-conscious about being new and inexperienced to want anyone actually watching me do what I do at a public event. It wasn't until just before the holidays that I finally tested the waters in that department, sceneing with John when I took him to his first fetish event at Black Phoenix in Philly. We didn't really do too much for too long (Derek could tell I was still kinda psyching myself out a little), but it was fun. But thanks to Birdie, my second time around was even better.
Even though Birdie has even less experience than I do, she threw herself into our scene with Nate with such enthusiasm and such a complete lack of self conciousness, that I was able to finally stop overthinking and really just enjoy getting into it myself.
I've done corporal stuff, and I've done tease and denial type stuff, but I don't think I've ever actually blended them quite like I did that night. And it felt pretty fucking fantastic. I still need to work on my back swing, but I knew that already. And even though he had warned me about a tendency to hold back reactions to piss people off, as it turned out, Nate gave awesome feedback ... which made gradually deepening the rosy hue on his cute little butt just that much more enjoyable. And even though he's not really a pain slut, he took it like a champ, which was even better. Seriously, that fact alone made it good enough for me to not even mind how crowded it was, or that random people kept bumping into us or walking through my back swing ... and even the being watched part was actually kind of fun. I was just right there in the moment, into just doing what I do without worrying about dissecting my every move.
Birdie kept on disappearing, excitedly flitting from one person to the next socializing (hence my choice of alias), so I was the one to finally end the scene when I decided he'd taken enough. The whole thing was a really nice little buzz.
The only fly in the ointment is this: I really hate hate hate that little part of me that gets distracted from great experiences like that. That annoying little, wistful part that sometimes whispers, "That was awesome. And you should have been there to share it with me; I really wish you had been." I really kinda wish she'd just shut the fuck up and quit killing my buzz. Maybe next time I'll come prepared with a ballgag or something for her.
Granted, she's got a point. The whole business of wanting is shitty. Particularly when you can't help thinking that if the feeling were mutual, wouldn't it make sense that they'd actually want to be there sharing in it all, too? That then the wishing would thereby be rendered unnecessary, and that, since it's not, there's really no point?
I mean, Nate actually even asked me to keep him in mind if things didn't work out, which was really adorable. It would be beyond awesome if everything really was just that easy.
Of course, all wasn't lost or anything so melodramatic as all that. I still got an incredible experience out of the deal, and I'm really grateful for that. But I would love to find out how much I'd be capable of if I stopped allowing myself to be so distracted. Oh, well, there's always next time ...