Everything I'm Not

Yes, I realize it has been awhile. Hello to my empty audience! Plenty has happened; sometimes I've even commented "I should blog about this later."
I'd like to say I've simply been too busy living my life to worry about documenting it, but part of me just plain and simple hasn't had the motivation to do so.
When I was in L.A., I met Oriana* a friend of Brooke's who'd apparently been bugging her for months to take her to see the dungeon. Brooke finally relented the night she and I went out with Oriana.
Once there, Oriana - who was a performer in something similar to Cirque du Soleil - decided to show off some her moves by jumping up and swinging by one arm from a spreader bar that was chained to the dungeon ceiling. Of course, the bar wasn't designed to support someone's full weight, the chain pulled out of the ceiling, and Oriana landed flat on her back.
When Brooke said she didn't want Oriana's on again, off again boytoy coming there to pick her up, chaos and drama ensued, culminating in Oriana's screaming at Brooke that if her boy wasn't allowed to come get her, then she needed the paramedics because she might have a punctured lung (Brooke made the valid point that Oriana wouldn't have been able to scream at Brooke if, in fact, she had a punctured lung). At Brooke's reluctance to the notion of a team of paramedics inside her fully equipped private dungeon, Oriana went off on her for "caring more about (her) business than (her) friends, but then what else can you expect from someone who inflicts pain for a living?" Brooke defaulted to anger right away: "Fuck you, Ori! Congratulations, you just made an enemy," but it was obvious that one stung.
A little under a month ago, I was reminded of that incident when my ex - upset at learning of my new relationship status - lashed out by informing me that what I do is "trashy, like maybe a step above a hooker ... do something real." Up until the other day, she was still groveling to get me to give her the time of day. She apologized finally, claiming she didn't mean it. I countered that she should know me better than that because I bust my ass to make sure, first and foremost, that I never feel personally compromised. I'm a snob as far as what clients I'll even see; I'm all about quality over quantity, and if I don't like someone's initial approach, fuck the money, I'm not gonna see 'em ... a fact of which she happens to be well aware since she's been there with me when I've fielded calls from potential clients before. I mean, I know it was just thoughtless immaturity, but it still stung.
The ironic part of all that is the one big conclusion I've reached lately which is that I don't really think I particularly want to be a pro Domme. Between the aggravation of all the legwork, sleazy approaches and atmospheres, houses run by male "Doms" who view themselves as "pimps" to the girls working there ... half the time anymore, I find myself hoping confirmation calls won't come.
Thing is, if I wasn't me, she might have almost had a point. Only almost though. As it is, I'm sticking with the semi-pro part time thing, and lately, I've also been performing at events; two in May, and my third is coming up at the end of this month. Just call me "Belle of the Ballbusters." Or something. Ha.
At the last one, my boy was inspired to attempt his first public play; he was nervous, but did so great. I was really proud of him. And he commented on how well I can read him because apparently the exact moment I chose to check in during our scene was the exact moment he was thinking that he needed to feel me pressed up against him right now. Pretty awesome.
But on the flip side, we have the downfall that because we do read each other so well, sometimes it's way too easy to forget how fresh and new this all is and how much we both still have to learn about each other. So, maybe we're more thrown than we really should be whenever we hit a speedbump and fall off the wheels.
I don't really want to go too in depth, but suffice to say, it's fucking frustrating: "In a moment, I can't remember how to be all you wanted." I like it that I've been able to crash light through as many of his shadows as I have. But there are also going to be those times when I won't have the magic words to make everything better. Times when I'm feeling tapped out because there's only so much need I can fill for another person in any given moment.
But as displayed yesterday, there will also be times when I'm among friends thinking I'm thisclose to just going off if one more person asks me why he's not by my side today (forcing me to further think about the one thing I've been trying to put out of my mind, even if just for the day)... and he'll text me thanking me for a patience I don't feel, and just like that, full circle - or something like it, anyway - suddenly feels within reach once more.